Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Downfall of Canada is Canadians

Let's consider this possibility for a second. It's 1812, for some reason we're at war with Britain... again. But this time when we decide to march into Canada and defeat the British, we don't do it the wrong way. Now flash forward to present time again and Canada has been divided into additional states of the Union. All her precious resources are American, we have far more frontier, oil reserves, timber, and caribou than we know what to do with, and best of all these new territories have less French influence.

Allow me to set some things straight. I don't hate Canada. I think it's a bountiful country with great fishing, camping, and maple syrup locales. It's colder, which means less people would want to live there, thus making it a great place to vacation. Plus, it offers the U.S. a buffer zone against nuclear attacks.

But there's a problem with Canada. A big problem. Canadians live there.

"What's wrong with Canadians?" you may ask. Well for starters, they can't even refer to themselves properly. They live in Canada, and yet they are called CanadIans?? They should be "Canadans" or they should live in Canadia.

Second, they gave us Pamela Anderson, who can be seen as the birth of the decline of American civilization and the reason we were attacked on 9/11. While it's true that Bo Derek in 10 might have been first, Pam Anderson glorified the role of girl running down the beach in a swimsuit. This then led to her getting celebrity status, which turned into a failed marriage to drummer Tommy Lee, which led to her doing an ill-advised sex tape with him that got leaked, which ultimately allowed anyone to make a sex tape and become famous.

So Pamela Anderson paved the way for faux-celebs like Paris Hilton who contribute nothing to society and are a blight on our television screens. In 2001, just seven months before the heinous terrorist attacks, this article was published in The Guardian. The article calls Paris Hilton the "next It girl," even though she never did anything in her life to receive such a title. This article must have been the tipping point for al Qaeda, and they decided to move ahead with their plans and attack America, where people are celebrated in spite of no accomplishments whatsoever.

If Pamela Anderson's opening up the door for the faux-celeb isn't enough to turn you off of Canada, perhaps you would be shocked to know Keanu Reeves calls himself a Canadian. Born a naturalized U.S. citizen (through his father) in Lebanon, Reeves was nevertheless raised in Canada and holds Canadian citizenship. And even worse, he's proud of it!

We all know what kind of actor Keanu Reeves is. Sure, he brought us a great time with Bill and Ted. And he pushed the limits of our imagination in The Matrix Trilogy. But he still acts the same way in every movie. If dull, flat acting is what it means to be Canadian, I don't want any part of it.

I can imagine you're still arguing with me in your head. Maybe you've had a friend who went to Canada and said it was great. Hey, so have I. But that's the thing; your friend had a great time visiting Canada. They don't want to live here. That's like everyone who tells you Japan is amazing when they went for two weeks, but as someone who lives there, I'll tell you it's not nearly as great.

So last we come to Canadians in general. Have you ever had the displeasure of talking with one? They come across as extremely arrogant--must be the French half in them. They glorify the wonders of their health care system. They brag that their air is so much cleaner. And worst of all, they rub all their Stanley Cup victories in everyone's faces.

Quite simply, Canadians are the Frenchmen at our backdoor, and if we had done what was necessary back in the early 19th century, we wouldn't have to deal with them anymore.

But alas, all we can do now is wonder at what might have been. Imagine the utopia of a world without Canada... No Avril Lavigne and her feel-good punk rock; no Hayden Christensen and his terrible portrayal of the formerly baddest-ass badass in science fiction; no Sandra Oh and her weird pinched face and awkward stares; and no William Shatner. Well, maybe not all Canadians are bad.

1 comment:

Megan Elizabeth Geiger said...

Does that mean you're a Floridan? Or I guess we should change the name to Floridia. ;)