Sunday, August 10, 2008

My Brief Stint as a Paranoid Driver

Okay, I guess I'm always a paranoid driver, but when its 12:30 am and I'm driving through South Carolina, I tend to be a little more paranoid.

It started with "Headlight" speeding up to tail me immediately after I passed him. The name is pretty self-explanatory, but I'll elaborate anyways: the car only had one working headlight. Naturally, the driver decides to compensate for this by using his brights. Since he was driving at my 7 o'clock, this got to be very annoying.

So I increase my speed to 85. Of course he does the same. I slow down to 75. He does the same, always keeping just off my left rear bumper. And then we catch up to the street racers.

Apparently, just south of Savannah, GA the kids have nothing better to do at 1 am than race on I-95. If this consisted of Fast and the Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (which I call 3 Fast 3 Furious), or coming in 2009 4th Installment of Fast and the Furious style racing, then I wouldn't have a problem with it. But instead, these knuckleheads decide to create a roadblock of cars the width of the 3-lane highway and slow down to 35 mph directly in front of me, before all speeding up to 100+ mph.

At one in the morning I can honestly say I'm not at my peak performance levels, so a row of cars suddenly driving 50 mph less than me is not an easy thing to adjust to. And driving a straight-4 cylinder Camry, there's not much hope of me getting back up to original speed anytime soon.

I think that this street race was a ruse by Headlight to catch back up to me, since I lost him in a bit of traffic. After the racers exited, Headlight was back to his usual tactics of fog-lighting me and matching my speed. Then I had the bright idea of matching speeds to the next car I caught up with.

Just my luck that as soon as I reach the Dodge Neon in front of me and slow down to 75 (with Headlight doing the same), there's a cop half a mile ahead in the median. If this doesn't confirm in Headlight's mind that I have a way of sensing speed traps then nothing probably nothing would. For the record, I don't. Although that would be an extremely awesome and marketable power.

Next we approach the construction zone. As we are going from 3 lanes to 2 lanes, Headlight finally decides this is where he wants to pass me. I whisper a quick prayer of gratitude, only to have it thrown back in my face as Headlight gets in front of me and then blocks the left lane by matching the speed of the guy in the right lane. This continued for about 20 minutes.

I don't know if Headlight tired of his little game or what, but finally he moved over and I flew past him. I could tell he was trying to keep pace with me, but I was too skilled in weaving between cars and fluctuating my speeds in an attempt to lose him for good. When I felt he could no longer see my actions, I pulled off at the nearest rest area.

I never saw Headlight again, but I still feel like he's out there, always driving just off my back bumper, blinding me.

Hey, I gotta have some kind of entertaining storyline to keep me awake at 2 in the morning.


Anonymous said...

I can so easily imagine Headlight ranting about how he thinks you have wronged him. He's certain that you have cut him off and he's going to make your like suck for an entire 10 miles because he is powerless and angry.

The cup is half full of something I don't like said...

This is where I think evolution has it wrong. We didn't come from a monkey. We came from cows and still exhibit herd mentality.